I met him sitting on a couch in a swanky club. His hair was long and his blue eyes piercing, I called him Fabio. His name, “Ethan.”
He says he’s a dentist with a little girl, Hayley. Hayley’s Mom died of blood cancer—they were married for ten years. I sense his sadness or perhaps he was just really drunk, but I don’t think so. We sat there for a long time and I asked most of the questions. Finally, while showing him a picture of my little E that’s when he inquired about our “arrangment” (this term always references custody in the divorce world). The only time he inquired, and when he did so, it’s as if his sadness reflected directly onto me.
It’s funny how people come into our lives and for a moment change how we think. Sometimes those thoughts are lasting and pieces of them never dissipate. It’s like we can’t forget, our mind won’t let us, ideas of them consume us although at different depths—some small, some big. Not just people, it can be about anything really—love, happiness, sadness, hysterity. Once we let them in we’re subject to all their idiosyncracies. Thoughts are never isolated, that’s not how our mind works, they come in, and then they infiltrate every part of our being. They alter what we thought before and our truth transforms into something new– something that incorporates this new thing. It’s mental evolution.
Last night I could not fall asleep. I’ve been doing really well with this happiness thing. I can already see my empty hole (the one within my soul) beginning to fill. The idea, that you must insist upon happiness, you must want it, and work for it—that is now a part of me. It’s a good thing. But last night, I missed E. When he’s with his Dad it’s always hard. I sat there for a long time, on my bed, waiting to break down, but it didn’t happen. My mind wouldn’t let me. I could only focus on the fact that he would be back in just a weeks time and then a funny thing happened, I began to recall all of the things in my life that are truly good, true goodness. I thought of health, and my family, Ini, my job. I thought of the beautiful plant on my kitchen table. Suddenly all of that became my reality and I no longer felt sadness but rather happiness. I thought briefly of Ethan and our meeting.
The mind is a place where life is captured, stored, and processed. Ultimately, our state of mind equates to our state of life.
The night ended and Fabio, or Ethan, or whoever, went home. I don’t know if he really was a dentist, a dad, or a widow. I don’t even know if I met him in the sense I thought I did, but these details don’t matter anyway. I do know, he came into my life somehow, and now he’s my idea.
His eyes were defeated—or were they mine? Was I looking into my own eyes, seeing myself from another perspective? Perhaps, it was all just a dream, one that woke me up to see the greater me—the happy me. Maybe that’s why on the bed last night while fighting off defeat I thought of him– just briefly. Then the idea of happiness resumed.