witifulramblings

Day 123: Just Keep Moving

In Uncategorized on July 9, 2016 at 3:45 am

“Ms. whit you must keep moving, I know you’re tired, but the thing is guys no matter what you do you must…just keep moving!”

The barre teacher kept repeating herself, “keep moving, I don’t care how fast you’re going but move for god’s sake!” The truth is though, they’ve really been words I’ve been telling myself everyday for two years. Sometimes I have to scream them…quite literally. After each interval of the class, I could see one or two women falling off.

There have been times I haven’t wanted to budge, haven’t wanted to move forward at all (probably had one of those times even today actually). There was about a year that I did nothing but exist and survive, and eat. That was new for me, wanting to loathe in my suffering alongside a bag of cheetos (to be noted: not the crunchy ones) and cupcakes. I used to be the kind of person that starves themselves when they’re sad. At least I gained a much needed 20 pounds versus withering away into unintentional anorexia. The truth is though I had no choice, I had to keeping moving – I wasn’t sure if I was going forward, backward or horizontal but I knew I was still going and that’s what mattered. I wasn’t dead. A child was counting on me. A dog was counting on me. At one point I told myself that an invisible lover was counting on me as well as the ants invading my kitchen. There were nights of playing pretend, pretending that the pillow was him. That his feet were really curled up against mine and he really was listening to my rambling about my day. I had lots of conversations with the dog and a wall. Who knows this? No one. Just me, and you – now.

I am still figuring out how to move forward. It’s really, really hard. But I have learned so many lessons about the act of deliberate movement in light of an emotional catastrophe. The first being that you MUST keep drinking water. Dehydration is a very very bad thing and leads to unfortunate things like, say, UTIs and kidney infections. I have also learned how to love more deeply those I still have and to try to show them my love every chance I can. I’ve learned to not hurt people the way I’ve been hurt.

I read the other day this phrase: “that one thing doesn’t have to be the thing that defines you.” Eating non-crunchy cheetos and scrying (sleep-crying) myself to sleep doesn’t have to be thing that defines me.

Instead, I want the thing that defines me to be this: my ability to keep moving (not quite sure the direction, still) but merely that simple fact. That I’ve kept moving in some direction despite the pain. In a way my logic tells me that I have to be going forward so for today I think I’ll accept that as a truth.

This is the next chapter in my life, that’s all. My writings are back and they are going to be completely different, but, that’s OK and to be expected.

a whit. xxx

Day 122: Miss You Grandma

In Uncategorized on February 5, 2016 at 4:21 am

The other day I was at the nail salon getting a pedicure when the nail lady suddenly (and much to my surprise) asked about my grandma.  I had to proceed to tell her she had passed away. She looked very sad, and kept asking me – “oh really?”

Grandma,

Then she went on to tell me what a happy, nice lady you were and how sad it is that you’re gone. This almost stranger said those things about you.

I love you grandma, and I miss you. I often find myself mimicking your gestures, like how you used to click your tongue on the back of your teeth or how you’d point your finger in the air to make a serious statement and then smile. I like remembering those things about you.

Miss you grandma.

Day 121: Times

In life, loss, Love, The Tonight Show on November 4, 2015 at 3:44 am

THIS podcast starts out with a quote from Charles Dickens’ novel A Tale of Two Cities: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”

I share this podcast because I find it to be beautiful and relate able. As comedian Anthony Griffith shares his experience as an up- and-coming Tonight Show comedian and a father to a 2-year old daughter battling cancer, he talks about what it was like, during the early 90s, to go to work and entertain throughout the day as an amateur comedian while living a home life plagued by medicines, hospitals and the fear of losing his child.

I typically share things on my blog that I can connect with, and when I listened to Anthony’s monologue I felt an instant connection. Only last year, I had begun a new job and simultaneously my new husband left me. I would, like Anthony explains in his piece, go to work everyday and put on a game face when inside I was deeply mourning. I don’t think anyone knew, but I knew. I worked through the crisis much like Anthony did, “but I had a plan” I would tell myself. A plan that went kaput.

I was a grown woman, and I didn’t know what to do.

Until one day I did.

Just like Anthony, I had to man up. “This ain’t no sitcom, that wraps up nice and pretty in 30 minutes, this is life, welcome to the real world.”

Just like Anthony, I bucked up because that’s what I was supposed to do.

Anthony ends with this quote:

“In 1990 I had 3 Tonight Show appearances with Johnny Carson and a total of 14 applause breaks — and I would have given it all up if I could just have one more day sharing a bag of french fries with my daughter.”

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”

“In 2014, I became a woman with an up-and-coming career and a title — and I would have given it all up if I could have one more day laughing in the car holding hands.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”

…but the miracle to me is what we share and how one person’s story can, in ways, mirror yours — “at least if we’re alone, we’re all alone in it together.”

a whit.

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