witifulramblings

Archive for the ‘Dating’ Category

Day 124: A Serial Dater

In Couples, Dating, Love, Men, Relationships, Romance, Teaching on September 20, 2016 at 4:26 am

I started dating someone new, and, admittedly, I must have spent half of the day with my mind looking something like this:

He’s nice, I really like him.

to…

He’s not right for me because when I got sick the other night instead of calling me he told me to sleep it off like some idiot prick.

but…

He took me to the movies the other night and we must have laughed for half of the night and when we went to brunch on Sunday he kept his hand on my leg the entire time and shared his eggs and sausage with me. Plus, he doesn’t like to eat the ends of sausage or bananas either which basically makes him my food soulmate (because everyone knows that eating the ends of those kinds of things is disgusting and weird).

but…

He doesn’t always call me in the evening to say hi.

to…

He doesn’t mind if I wear a shower cap and he taught me how to keep my bath towels from smelling like mold.

but…

He STILL hasn’t fixed my sliding closet door which fell off the track, and he said he’d fix it when we started dating two weeks ago.

to…

He asked if he could go with me to my son’s soccer game, cutely, by inquiring if I wanted company…clearly he cares about my role as a mother.

but…

I’m not really sure if he’s ready to date a women with a child. I mean he doesn’t have children himself and, clearly, he doesn’t understand what it involves and how tiring it is to be a single parent.

to…

He also supports the #hilaryforprison hashtag and loves sending crude memes. Oh, and he follows cute baby animals on his instagram feed so, yeah, there’s that.

After spending the last couple of days reading Aziz Ansari’s book, Modern Romance, and an article a friend sent to me about the topic of love and relationships, I realize I am plagued by my own love conundrum (and it’s probably the reason I have been single too long).

First, I have an extremely difficult time saying…look let’s give this a shot, a real shot. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am pretty much a serial dater. I have never really wanted to admit it, but I think it’s partially true at this point in my life. I mean, yes, there are definitely bozos out there, and I am smart to get rid of them, but there have also been a smattering of really great guys over the years that I have kicked to the curb before truly giving them (or myself) a chance to connect. As Ansari says in his book, we judge people on initial impressions without giving ourselves the time that is needed to actually SEE if a connection could even exist. A lot of this is perpetuated by online dating, we see a box on a profile that says something (like he’s a Lakers fan) and then we say – no – I love the Warriors and so we could obviously never be a match. Then we click to the next profile. Realistically though, if we met this same person in real life we may not find out they are a Lakers fan until days or weeks down the road in which time we may already have built a connection with them and then it doesn’t seem like as big of deal that they like the worst basketball team EVER. Online dating teaches our brain to check boxes and in essence “filter,” instantanteously but what we must realize is that people are not boxes – they are people with dynamic personalities, quirks and interests. It is oftentimes all of these things, too, (the personalities, quirks and interests) that are what make a lasting relationship.

Moving on to my next big relationship prob.

I spend a lot of time analyzing how someone is loving me. Is it enough? Are they giving me enough? Are they just using me? How often do they show me they care? I know why I do this. I do this because in my last relationship I finally taught myself to be selfless and I gave of my whole self, I fell in love, and then I got BURNED. So, now I have taught myself to turn that selfless love thing OFF. I don’t fully give of myself, I don’t embark in being LOVING and instead focus on being LOVED and LOVABLE. In the above mentioned article I read, it reminds us that to receive love we have to be loving. For instance, the other night I thought to myself this guy is really not that loving…it pissed me off. But then I decided to try an experiment. I told him I wanted to go to dinner, he never lets me pay, he says ladies don’t pay, and for this reason I knew that INSISTING to pay at dinner would come across to him as an act of loving and caring on my part. After dinner his entire attitude changed, he was more caring toward me, we connected better and we spent the entire rest of the night laughing and being close. I could see his demeanor changed after I picked up the check…he felt an investment on my part and by giving love I had shown him it was OK for him to be vulnerable back.

So, takeaway for today for this new relationship:

Give it a CHANCE.

Be LOVING to receive LOVE.

Btw, he just sent me this text: “you’re my blonde bombshell. I miss your face.” He’s not THAT bad and I like that my bath towels no longer smell like moldy cheese thanks to him.

a whit who’s TRYING to date.

 

 

Day 97: Looking.

In Acceptance, Couples, Dating, Faith, Happiness on October 10, 2013 at 2:56 am

I’d lost all hope in love, and then I found it…and then I lost it.

The sadness is consuming and overwhelming. It hurts so bad, grieving hurts more than any physical pain and its hidden so no one sees it.

There is nothing lonelier than a blank phone, an empty bed, a quiet house, no one to share memories with, no one to share accomplishments with, no one to have fun with, laugh with, cry with. 

It’s so hard trying to mitigate this hurt. It’s a lonely process. 

There was a time when we first met, I think it was actually one of our first dates. He had gone fishing and he brought home Shad to cook–it was a rather bony fish and it didn’t turn out that well. The other night I visited with some friends and somehow the topic of “shad” came up, I told them how my boyfriend had once cooked it for dinner. They laughed, “that’s bait, you ate bait, no one actually eats shad.” I realized then that those are just memories, they’ll never happen again–not with him. I won’t eat “bait” again with him. It’s funny the things we hold on to, the things that seemed so insignificant at the time. I can’t glean a “lesson learned” from this, but I am trying. I have waited so long to meet someone who loves me. Where is he?

 

Day 93: I know the pain of a heartbreak…

In Couples, Dating, God, Happiness, life, Love, Teaching on August 4, 2013 at 11:27 pm

I couldn’t sleep the other night so I decided to do a random YouTube search. With all of the recent hype concerning little Prince George, I decided to look up Princess Diana interview footage; I wanted to see what she was like.

As I watched her talk, she was surprisingly candid and honest. I remember the hype around her death, although I was still young at the time, and the overwhelming commentary concerning her beautiful, giving heart. This became apparent to me as I listened to her speak. She made it clear that her issues were a means to empathy. She could feel what the bulemic girl in the hospital was feeling because she actually felt it too. She could understand the depressed woman because she felt it too.

All great, compassionate people love others in a way that is personal and close. They love that way because they’ve felt the pain of heartbreak once too.

Heartbreak isn’t easy,

It isn’t clear

And you don’t need Jesus till you’re here.

As I experience heartbreak in my life, I come to know two things better.

Life if full of pain.

And we can use that pain to do good, or we can let it eat away at us.

a whit.

DIY August: A gift for a far away lover {or military husband}

In Dating, DIY, Happiness, Love, Men, Women on August 4, 2012 at 8:45 am

{image compliments bakeitinacake.com}

Since Holstee June/July/August is finally over, its time to find a new home for the August cupcakes. Since I seem to be in a DIY mode, I’ve decided to dedicate this month’s sweets to my innumerable projects much of them brought to you by Pinterest.

I scoured the Internet, quite literally, looking to find what I would label as {see my actual google searches below}

gift for lover that works away

gift for boyfriend that works away

correct that

romantic gift for lover that works far away

sighing

romantic gift for military partner (this doesn’t actually apply to me)

romantic gift for military husband (neither does this, but I was getting creative)

The closest I got to any sort of gift that would be appropriate for my endeavor was this.

I’ll explain.

I was looking for a gift idea for someone special who works away {far away}. I wanted it to be romantic, personal, and I knew food items would not make it past airport security (even though men typically find food to satisfy all of the aforementioned. So this is what I came up with.

First I found an old box. This one just happened to say Romeo and Juliet which worked out perfectly.

20120804-014544.jpg

Then I wrote out several tiny folded cards with special things on them. Some quotes, some personal messages, all well-thought out. I needed 42 of them since that’s how many days my someone would be gone.

20120804-014754.jpg

20120804-014808.jpg

Then I wrote out my cards, explaining the the game, and I housed them in labeled envelopes.

“open just one paper a day, don’t cheat, open the other envelope before you return home. missing you already.”

20120804-015029.jpg

And there you have it, a wonderful, romantic way to stay in touch with someone you care about that is far away.

Some ideas for placement in your box–

write me a letter
check your pant pocket (house a love note there)
set up a “dear Sophie” email account and give them the password–send pictures/videos/letters to this account
romantic quotes
reveal details about yourself
get creative

A way to provide a romantic gift for a lover or military husband far away. It’s thoughtful, portable, and lasting.

Play the Game or NOT: Day Nineteen

In Articles, Blogging, Dating, Humor, Romance, Sex, Thoughts, wit, Women, Writing on November 17, 2010 at 8:27 pm

Oh, the frustration.  Sometimes I feel like I’m navigating my way through a corn maze, turning this way and that, never reaching an endpoint, an escape.

I can remember being twelve and waiting for the day when I could go out with friends, drive my own car, and go on a real date.  Ha.  Been there done that, and at twenty-six I’m beginning to wonder what fourteen years of dating (with a few intermissions) does to the soul and the brain.

So, I got to thinking, what has changed?  Well, certainly the dating process.    When I was sixteen boys, I emphasize boys, picked me up from my house, in their cars, and met my parents.  Okay–there’s a process, a gentlemanly one, I could do without the adolescent parental meeting but the offer of a pickup would be nice.  I’d probably deny, given my current safety measures, but again it would be gentlemanly.

Then we’d go on the date, probably drive to restaurant or a movie, after which we’d return home.  He’d drop me off.

Huh.  Well, at twenty-six, I’m getting offers for coffee (which I don’t even drink for pleasure) and/ or a cocktail, really?  I’m going to be pretty hungry– but highly caffeinated or a bit intoxicated, that’ll do.

No movies.

No food.

No pickup.

No drop-off.

Um, why am I dating again?  I’ve decided it’s  a political game–the politics of the heart, gender, and mind.

Or maybe it’s all just one big sex conspiracy.  I’ll have to meditate on that one.

a dating whit.

Should I get Divorced?: Day Eighteen

In Articles, Blogging, Blogs, Dating, Education, Esteem, Family, Fiction, Friends, Happiness, Humanity, Laughter, life, literature, Love, Men, Men, Mother, Musings, Parenting, Politics, Romance, Sex, Stories, Thoughts, wit, Women, Work, Writing on November 16, 2010 at 6:51 am

It seems to me that after you experience divorce, that is, become a divorcee, you also become a magnet for those seeking “friendly” relationship advice.  Since my divorce, I have never had so many married friends approach me expressing their own personal marital woes.  Can we say smoke and mirrors?

So, what do you say to these helpless worshippers?  Their eyes pining upwards toward yours, in dismay, you (well I) certainly cannot leave them hanging.

So, I tell them what my mother told me almost four years ago–

“It’s time to evaluate.  There are thirty days in a month and if over half of those thirty days are spent in argument/fighting/retribution, then you seriously need to consider your life.”

So, I did the addition and I recommend it to my pleading friends as well.  If you’re in the negative then…

I guess this doesn’t necessarily mean divorce, it didn’t for me, marriage counseling can always be the next step but most I find have already given that a fair shot.  So, then I move to my next bit of advice.

It isn’t easy (divorce that is).  So, consider wisely.  This isn’t a life and death situation, in any sense of physicality, but it may be with regard to the soul, your soul.  If he doesn’t pick up his dirty underwear, empty the dishwasher, or clean off the toilet seat–you may want to hire a maid and get a good job with long work hours, instead.  No, but seriously, divorce isn’t easy and making that jump will most certainly change you in every way possible, good and bad.  It will also present a little addition to your life.  Something I like to call the “what if factor.”

What if he had been different?

What if I had been different?

What if the timing had been different?

What if that whore from the Nordstrom shoe department had never been working that Wednesday afternoon when my husband, on a whim, decided to go peruse for a new pair of penny loafers?

You’ll always wonder, what might have been?  What dreams might have come AND could things have worked?  This is what you sacrifice when you choose divorce.  You sacrifice ever knowing.  However, consider this, whose to say things wouldn’t have been different anyway because with every circumstance, every change, there comes a differing outcome.  So, maybe the Nordstrom girl wasn’t there that Wednesday, instead, five years later your hubby gets run over by a truck crossing the street–either way, you’re alone with accompanying heartache.  It’s all a matter of relativity and the passage of time, leading you this way and that, all dependent on varying occurences.  I think Robert Frost put it nicely, “And both [roads] that morning equally lay / In leaves no step had trodden black / Yet knowing how way leads on to way / I doubted if I should ever come back.”

So, finally when I have exhausted all the aforementioned then I end with this, “secure your finances before ever mentioning the word divorce.”  Trust me, it’s not being deceitful…it’s being smart.  If you have to, stick it out, until you have what you need to leave.  I’ve encountered many friends, with young children, no assets, no education, their husband(s) owning everything; having reduced them to the life of: housewife.  Just make sure you leave when the time is ripe, oops, I mean right. 😉  It never hurts to get a little legal advice prior.

A good friend from back when I was married emailed me the other day concerning a matter similar to this post’s topic.  I thought it funny, she, after all these years, my divorce from her husband’s friend, had returned to me for some semblance of hope.  My final words to her, “I’ll be praying for you and your little family.”

That’s how my advice column will always end, always.

A divorced whit.

Sharing Life: Day Fourteen

In Articles, Blogging, Blogs, Dating, English Major, Esteem, Friends, Happiness, Laughter, life, Love, Musings, Stories, Thoughts, wit, Writing on August 16, 2010 at 7:21 pm

There’s this little white blank church I would pass everyday on my way to work.  I’d find myself wondering, who worships here, who fills this place every Sunday?  What are their thoughts, hopes, desires, and pains?  That happened every morning for a few months.  I was so tempted to return on a Sunday, the place was so lonely, but I knew there was a time of infusion.  The worshippers would come and breathe vitality into this place.

In your life there comes an instant where you really have to sit and evaluate who you are and what you’re living for.  This moment isn’t the same for everyone.  For some it comes by a breath of happiness, others tragedy, some change.  I can remember the day I got married.  I thought this was my juncture.  Here I would ask, “Who are you?  Who loves you? And then, you are going to have this beautiful life with this beautiful person—you are defined.”  But these moments aren’t so easily recognized, and oftentimes they happen without us even noticing it.  This is how it happened to me.  I did get married, I remember pieces of that day so vividly, and I hold them in my heart, mostly so I can share them with little e.  I recall the pink cake, and how the train on my dress ripped unexpectedly, I remember sitting on a bench, surrounded by white, staring out through the etched windows of the church.  Uniquely, I remember doing all of these things by myself (this is quite anomalous for someone’s wedding day).  I don’t ever remember being scared, or worried, or even unsure.  I felt blank.  This was not my moment.

Six years have passed since that occasion.  Now, I find myself meditating on who I’ve become and what that experience did to my life.  I realize that I’m angry.  I’m so mad at the person who betrayed me–he let me down.  I direct that anger, not at him, but at people I’ve dated since him.  It may be something they do, something they say, it reminds me, and then suddenly I see a reflection of his face staring back at me.  While this is happening, I let him do whatever he wants.  I never show disappointment, or rage, for him I am still blank.  Once he told me, after everything was done, he was about to remarry, “I am so sorry for ruining you.”  I responded with a quick, “thanks?”  That was my first evaluation session (some people have more than one).  I was no one, a ruined individual that was it.  Well, you know what they say, “ruin is the road to transformation.”  I gave myself a few months and began taking that seriously.  Then with the start of this project there came my second moment.  I write it out and I begin to see who I am and what my dreams are.  I’ve accomplished. I’ve lived.  I don’t feel ruined anymore, but I have to stop being angry or I’ll never capture what I am truly living for, happiness.

So, I asked myself last night, what good has come from the end of that marriage? Immediately I thought, the people I have met.  I think about all of them.

****

Steve, his wife died of cancer and now he’s a single dad with two beautiful girls.  Chloe, his miracle baby.  She was delivered premature so that Bridget (Steve’s wife) could undergo chemo.  Then there’s Grace.  Steve once told me that while driving in the car Grace noticed the leaves outside falling, blowing away.  She said something like, “Daddy, that’s like mommy right?  The leaves come and go.”  He loved that moment because his little girl understood life and death.  Steve taught that there is beauty in tragedy, and hope.

Karen, when I met her she was weak but at a distance I have seen her grow into someone of strength and courage.  Her family lives in Hawaii and she raises her son on her own.

Jason, his wife also died of cancer.  He graduated law school, top of his class, and got a job with one of the best firms in Nevada.  He bought a new home and then six months ago sold it after being laid off.  His daughter McKenna is beautiful and has a stitched pillow on her bed with a picture of her Mom holding her.  I met him right after my divorce and he taught how to move on.

Wayne.  I wonder about this one.  I spent a year crying that we weren’t together but then one day I realized, that’s a good thing, now you know what it feels like to love someone.  I never felt blank with him.

Dr. S, our custody evaluator.  I spent numerous trips to San Diego for sessions with this fellow.  He reassured me of all my parental intentions.  He never said, “you’re a great mom,” instead he said something much deeper, “you have a spectacular child, one who is very loved, I thoroughly enjoy little e.”  He restored my worth as a mother.

Joey.  A Mormon that taught me Mormons are good when I stopped believing they were.

Jerry.  He gave me my first job after my divorce.  When I started working for him I was timid.  I didn’t even know how to say, “I WANT THIS.” After leaving his office I worked for a law firm (that should give you a good idea of my progression).  I ran into him at the grocery store about two months ago, he said, “I can just see how you’re different.  You’ve got life in you.  You’re in a great place.”  He was a stepping stone.  I had to start somewhere and he gave me that opportunity.

The countless men I’ve dated.  They’ve taught me how to date, how to pray, how to recognize a wanker, how to listen, cultural awareness, money management, passion.

Glen.  He’s my attorney friend who always has good advice.  He’s also always on IM chat and easily accessible.  We’ve been friends for three years now.

Scott.  A single Dad who loves taking me to concerts and being my “wingman.”  He’s always willing to take one for the team.

Chloe.  I just met her, but she reminds me of all my college girlfriends.  Chloe laughs with me and it gives me a sense of “times gone by.”  She’s great.

James.  He taught me about addiction, what it’s like to live in the shadow of it.  I pray for him.  Memories of James helped me through some tough family times.  I needed to meet him.

Toby.  He sold me an Anthropologie rug off craigslist.  A cute aussie who has since moved back to Melbourne.  In a late night conversation he was able to get through to me.  He also taught me the word “wankers,” which I love.

Jonathon.  He started out as the perfect date.  He’s an English professor who loves literature.  I learned from him that I may be able to get a job when I someday finish school.

Professor Ochoa.  She told me that someday I’ll write a book.

****

I look at all these people and cannot help but smile.  They’ve given me so much life, they are all so beautiful, and have attributed to the transformation currently underway.  I am like the white church, the blank lonely church, and all of my friends they are the worshippers. They come into my life, at their moments, and they infuse me.  I am going to stop being angry, and self-conscious, and closed.  I am going to let more people in. I said before that life is defined by moments, but I retract that statement.  Instead, life is defined by the moments you share with others.

People: Day Thirteen

In Articles, Blogs, Dating, Esteem, Family, Friends, Happiness, Humanity, life, Men, Romance, Stories, Thoughts, Writing on August 16, 2010 at 2:48 am

I’ve come to realize that there are all sorts of people in this world. Sounds kind of silly saying that, but its true. It starts out in high school a time when you think there’s only one character–yourself. Then you graduate and college teaches you all about your friends, the stupid guys you date, and if you’re lucky a few besties. From there you move into the infamous twenty somethings, a genuinely awkward life phase, it’s here where you really begin to experience humanity. You’re no longer limited to those in your age bracket and suddenly “old” people are your friends too. The problem with too many twenty somethings is that they spend their peak physical/mental decade drunk instead of utilizing such to their own advantage. I figure if half the twenty somethings I know actually pay attention for ten years, this involves being present in their own lives then they’d really have it together by the time they hit thirty and the world needs more thirty somethings like this.

I’m proud to say no particular point of my life, be it two years or ten, was or ever will be consumed by drunkiness. So, I’ve stuck to analyzing those around me (something I truly enjoy). There’s the “too nice people” those who will do anything for you almost to the point of neurosis. They mean nothing by it, unless they’re a man, except to possibly prove that kindness does still exist. These are good folks to keep around–but they will eventually get on your nerves. There are the people who use you. They take what they can, deposit nothing, and leave when your supply of whatever runs out. There are the creative artsy-type, which are always fun. The weirdos. The hippies, vegetarians, eco friendlies, you get my point, all sorts. Then you realize despite all these different types, the quirks that accompany them, there is still one thing every individual seeks–each other. This is humanity. We long for companionship, even if its not too serious, because we believe doing things in pairs is better; however, our world has really wounded such a notion. It’s too fast, too technical, too removed. Now we have to strive for this.

As I was riding my bike today I noticed something strange. With each passerby came a hello, good day, how are you doing. I thought about the countless intersections of my life (both literal and figurative). I’ve never been at a stoplight, rolled down my window, said hi, then kept on driving. Nor have I seen this type of behavior in my many life transitions (most certainly not from complete strangers). There is something about bike riding which invokes a more natural, instinctive congeniality. I was impressed and for a moment felt as though the days of Pride and Prejudice had resumed. I could imagine Jane, jaunting down the dirt road, waving with a twist of her wrist to the gentlemen passerby. They would meet several days later on another jaunt, share some sweet words, and eventually wed. This idea must be why people love Jane Austen so wholeheartedly. Connecting with others teaches about others. It also gives us that each other thing. This isn’t a text message, or an email, it takes more effort than that. Sadly, that effort might just be a few words–a few words! Today I wasn’t any happier than yesterday, but I did learn something new, and reflecting on that does make me feel good. Take a bikeride, a stroll, transport yourself to another time–slow down. Say hello to a stranger as it may provide an opportunity to learn about someone new, remember there are all sorts of people and getting to know them is what life is about.

Cupcake: Laugh at Me

In Blogging, Blogs, Dating, Faith, Fun, Humor, Stories, Thoughts, wit, Work, Writing on July 28, 2010 at 5:20 pm

Today’s cupcake is just something that made me smile and since this place is about being happy, enjoy.

Yesterday while  in NEO (New Employee Orientation) training we visited the various offices within our building.  A sort of get to know you.  We had this thing, “Fun Facts” where each department manager was asked to share a fun bit of information about himself/herself.

While in the legal department we met an older gentlemen named, Earl.  His fun fact was that he model railroads. Cool.

Anyway, when we got to Directors Office the NEO officer explained to the manager the concept of “Fun Facts” he began to recite all of those we had previously collected throughout the day.  He couldn’t recall Earl’s Fun Fact.  I leaned forward to help him and somehow this came out, “he male models.”  Aw, orthodontics–my retainers were the source of this word confusion.  Laughing, everyone agreed that was the funnest fact of the day.

Huge joke circulating the office –Earl from the legal department is a male model.  I wish I had a picture of Earl.

This reminded me slightly of my eighth grade science class.  The answer was organism.  It was for extra credit, I think.  The boy next to me  whispered the answer in my ear.  I was golden, raising my hand with great height I blurted it out, “Orgasm!”

Hiking Photography

Beautiful photos of hiking and other outdoor adventures.

SOLD BY CATHY

I NEVER FORGET YOU HAVE A CHOICE

thejamsquare

Thetis Island Blog

The Home Team at MNS

Real Impact Real Estate

Violet Gallery

sketching, creating and living life!

Southern Sweetys Photography

Capturing Life's Sweetest Momemts

Bucket List Publications

Indulge- Travel, Adventure, & New Experiences

ExploreDreamDiscover Talks

Travel, culture, food, and perception

Margaret's Miscellany

(in which I catalog my travels and a random assortment of likes and dislikes)

Dropping LSD--(Law School Debt)

currently blogging: student loans, frugality, design tutorials, and random crap on the internet

divorced is not a marital status

Living life without the scarlet letter--D

Coffee Under the Umbrella

Would you like paint and power tools with your coffee?