witifulramblings

Archive for the ‘Thoughts’ Category

Day 106: Sometimes We Have to Find Our Knees

In Beauty, Books, life, Sadness, Thoughts on March 15, 2014 at 6:15 am

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If you have ever read the book Little Bee then you probably remember this line:

“Sad words are just another beauty. A sad story means, this storyteller is alive. The next thing you know something fine will happen to her, something marvelous, and then she will turn around and smile.”

Or this one:

“We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, ‘I survived’.”

Some days I feel like I’m writing a very sad story, and some moments I feel like my scars are so deep they’re imprinted on my heart. The cover of the Little Bee story features a black silhouette of Little Bee’s profile and written all over her face is scrawled the title in twisted and tangled letters. I have to admit, I couldn’t even make out the title of the book in the store, and it wasn’t until I began to read that I realized it read–Little Bee. Looking at the book again tonight sitting her aside my computer, I realize the letters are Little Bee’s scars written all over her face, her face then plastered on her story.

Tonight I sit trying to make sense of my own scars, trying to sort out which ones are jagged, raised, white from years of settling, fresh with redness and newness. I’m a thinker. Sometimes I spend hours trying to figure out these scars, how to wipe them away and make myself flawless again. Tonight I am reminded that scars never disappear, they are marks of survival, they are part of our story that got the chance to keep being written.

I fell to my knees in prayer, not because I’m religious, but because I needed some thing else to hear my story even if it was just the air. I needed to show my scars, to itemize them, and then I needed to remember that a sad story means that I am alive and with the flick of a page I will turn around to smile again.

a whit.

Daily Cupcake: Love Notes (Recycle Them if You Wish)

In Laughter, life, Love, Thoughts on November 30, 2012 at 6:09 am

I love you because it’s perfectly imperfect. I love your nose, and how you say I’ll get a right chuckle all while having a whale of a time. I love your art.

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Christmas Decorations: Day 73

In Christmas, Friends, Friendship, Happiness, Home Decor, life, Love, Thoughts on November 30, 2012 at 5:37 am

It’s been a long time since I’ve logged on.  I suppose there has been a reason for that, and a lot of good has happened in my life.

We put up the Christmas decorations this weekend, and I still stand in awe of it all.  I love the holiday, but what really surprises me is the life that is emerging amidst all of those decorations.  They represent something for me.

I remember a few years  back when I sat wondering what I would adorn the walls with, and how I would possibly drag in and set up a christmas tree on my own.

but it happened. i figured it out.

Each year I pluck away at it a little more and it seems this life is coming together nicely now. It feels comfortable, like it fits.

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This holiday season, as with every other, I have so much to be thankful for.  As I sat thinking of all of these blessings tonight I couldn’t help but smile.  There have been several holidays now that I have spent alone, and I think back on those.  They are bittersweet, but I know why they were necessary now–to illuminate the joy that was to come.

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I’d like to end with one request for this holiday season,

One of my best friend’s husband is dying of terminal cancer. I love her very much, and I would ask that anyone who reads my blog please pray for a miracle. A christmas miracle that will give their family a holiday together, one filled with joy and love, not pain and death. She and her young son deserve this season to be happy and filled with joy–a memory they can hold in their hearts each year as the decorations find themselves adorn the walls.  I suspect, just like me, they too will have to make a new life as the seasons go on.  It is my prayer that their experience will evolve into one wherein the bittersweet dissipates and illuminates a new joy, not better, just different.

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Happy Christmas. a whit.

Unspoken Friendship: Day 64

In Blogging, Friends, Friendship, God, Thoughts on August 9, 2012 at 11:38 pm

Today I am thinking a lot about friendship.

This morning my friend called me, I think I’ve mentioned her on this blog before, her husband is dying of cancer.

As I got off the phone, my mind thought of this post.  I can remember it as if it was just yesterday, it’s hard to believe it has been over two years now since we met.

It was the third day of school (for little e), I was distant and very careful. I had just been through a terrible divorce, I was coming out the other end, but I was scared. I was different, and I was closed off. I was just finding my way through single mothering, and I was surrounded by beautiful, whole families. Intimidated.  So, I dropped off my e and walked out of the school toward my car (quickly and looking down to avoid conversations), she stopped me, she was just so beautiful, so put together, and I remember thinking she must have the perfect life.  In her bubbly way, that I now know is so her, she told me we were having a play date. We were going to the park, she hadn’t even introduced herself yet. She knew my e though, she said I’ve decided e is such a wonderful boy and he is the perfect friend for my son. I thanked her and said we’d have to get together, just so I could hurry on my way. She didn’t give up though, she found me in the class directory the next week and I got the call. After much hesitation on my part, I agreed to meet her at the park. I wondered why she’d want to be my friend–she was happily married, living in a great house in a great location, established, everything.

When we went to the park, it was there that she told me.  She told me her husband was sick, and with fear in her eyes she said, “It’s bad.” That’s all she had to say, and I knew.

Time passed.

Her predication proved true, our sons have grown to be great friends–the kind of friendship that will last a lifetime. Something else happened too, she became my friend. My first real friend after my divorce.

She’s helped me over these past couple years in ways I can never repay her for.

She’s let me help her and, it has meant the world to me. It has helped to rebuild me.

So when she called me today and told me the “it’s bad” is coming to an even worse spot. and end–for now…

I remembered.

She wondered how life would be OK. How would her son be OK. How would he live without a Dad.

I told her, I am always…

She stopped me, “I know. You don’t even have to say it.” Then I realized this, those are the beautiful friendships, the unspoken ones.

Like a friend has said on her blog,

Losing someone changes everything. But if you have faith, God will create a miracle out of your life that would have otherwise been ordinary.

My friend was never ordinary, ever, so now, in light of this, she’ll be extraordinary.

Perhaps fate brought us together. Perhaps she knew I could be a friend she needed throughout this trial. But I like to think that she has served a much greater purpose in my life than I could ever serve in hers. She means so much to me, thank you for saying hi and letting me be your friend. I’ll always…

dedicated to my special friend whom I love very much. ~ a whit.

HOLSTEE AUGUST: Remember to Love Because It’s What Makes You Real

In Books, Esteem, Friendship, Happiness, Holstee Manifesto, Humanity, Laughter, life, Love, Teaching, Thoughts, Writing on August 3, 2012 at 8:40 pm

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Love is such an interesting emotion, it’s one of the things that makes me feel vulnerable, but being loved is truly what makes us real–just like the Skin Horse says. It doesn’t happen to people who break easily because love takes toughness, endurance, and perseverance. Love is not like the romance film, it’s much more real than that, and I oftentimes wonder if the people in this world, the ones who truly know how to love, are only those who have endured an entire lifetime giving it to someone. I think it just might take those loose joints, lost hair, and shabbiness to truly understand what it means to love. Perhaps that’s why we’re given an entire lifetime to pursue it, perfect it, and understand it.

In looking through the Holstee Manifesto and it’s proclamations, which we have now made it through in entirety, the only words that appear more than once throughout are: life and love. This provokes something in me, it reminds me of the importance of living a life of sought love. That’s what the manifesto begs. It’s not easy, it will hurt at times, but it’s like this quote states:

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HOLSTEE JULY: emotions

In Happiness, Holstee Manifesto, Thoughts on July 20, 2012 at 5:06 am

ALL EMOTIONS ARE BEAUTIFUL.

Sometimes life is hard and that hardship brings sadness, disappointment, confusion, uncertainty, hurt, loneliness. It’s important, though, to remember that all of these emotions, too, are beautiful.

I’m very happy, but I still feel these other emotions time and again. They only reinforce though that I am still strong and I can endure despite them.

I put this over my bed in my room because I think it is so important to remember, and someday when I’m 90, I know it will be the little things that I’ll want to reflect on and they will bring me the most joy in their memory.

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Day 58: thankful.

In Family, Friends, God, Happiness, Health, Humanity, Laughter, life, Love, Mother, Parenting, Thoughts on July 20, 2012 at 4:46 am

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the following:

patience. and

loving what you have/what you are given.

It’s so easy for me, or you, or anyone, really, to get caught up in wanting things beyond what one has or is given. I have, and sometimes I throw myself a pity party about it, but the reality is that there is always someone who has it worse or is embedded within circumstances that are less fixable.

One of my best friend’s husband is dying of cancer. He only has a year to live, at best.

I think about her situation quite often, and it makes everything in my life seem so manageable despite the hardship that I face within my own circumstances. I am thankful this week that I have those that I care about close to me and healthy. I am thankful that there was and will be the laughter of little kids in my house–I’ve been missing that.

I’m so thankful–for the little things.

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Daily Cupcake: Holstee July LOVE.

In Holstee Manifesto, Laughter, life, Love, Men, Romance, Thoughts, Women, Writing on July 15, 2012 at 8:13 am

If you’re looking for the love of your life, STOP. You will find them when you start doing things you LOVE.

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Day 56: the move and helping out a fellow CL-er

In DIY, Family, Happiness, Home Decor, Mother, Thoughts, Women, Work on July 15, 2012 at 7:43 am

I forgot to mention this, but we did just move (or I should say I just packed 50 boxes, unpacked 50 boxes, and tore the house apart only to put it back together). Here are some process pictures, enjoy.

This = two leg cuts, five bruises, a tired body, and a pulled groin muscle.

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I won’t bore you with the kitchen and bathroom, yet.

None of my room, that later.

Speaking of rooms, though. I just saw this on CL and got a HUGE laugh. Wow, they want how much for all that? The posting is even funnier, no, my friends, this is not the decor from a small girl’s room, read carefully…

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HOLSTEE JULY: Going to Lunch With Grandma

In Holstee Manifesto, Humanity, Laughter, life, Thoughts on July 2, 2012 at 2:03 am

Hello HOLSTEE July, honestly, I should have just extended this thing throughout the entire year.

LIFE IS SIMPLE.

Today I took my grandma to lunch. She’s a very funny lady (although I don’t think she knows this herself).  We were talking a lot about what it’s like to, basically, sit on your ass and have nothing to do. Then with all sincerity she looked right at me and said that she is going to get some clay and start sculpting a statue of the dog. She said she’d do one of Ini too if I’d like it for my mantle.

Yep.

A smile immediately spread across my face. As we grow older it’s amazing how much simpler life gets. Apparently so much so, you begin to think up things like casting household pets.

But really, as I dropped off grandma and begin to pull out of the driveway I was thinking a lot about my life.  I was thinking how busy I am and how sometimes I wish things were so much simpler than they are.  I was thinking about what it must be like to be old, eyesight fading, health declining, and to not be able to do the simple things that lead to all the complicated things that make life exciting and enjoyable. What would it be like not to be able to just jump in the car and go where you want to go? What would it be like not to be able to take a run because your joints disallow it? What would it be like not to be able to get your nails done because there is no one to take you?  It would suck.  So, I am so thankful for my youth and I am so thankful for being able to do the simple things that give me the opportunities to do all the rest–the messy, complicated, tiring rest.

On Tuesday, grandma and I are going to get her clay and paints so she can start her masterpiece of Smokey the dog (and possibly Ini).  I’m sure they’ll both appreciate the simple gesture.

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