Archive for the ‘Romance’ Category

Day 124: A Serial Dater

In Couples, Dating, Love, Men, Relationships, Romance, Teaching on September 20, 2016 at 4:26 am

I started dating someone new, and, admittedly, I must have spent half of the day with my mind looking something like this:

He’s nice, I really like him.


He’s not right for me because when I got sick the other night instead of calling me he told me to sleep it off like some idiot prick.


He took me to the movies the other night and we must have laughed for half of the night and when we went to brunch on Sunday he kept his hand on my leg the entire time and shared his eggs and sausage with me. Plus, he doesn’t like to eat the ends of sausage or bananas either which basically makes him my food soulmate (because everyone knows that eating the ends of those kinds of things is disgusting and weird).


He doesn’t always call me in the evening to say hi.


He doesn’t mind if I wear a shower cap and he taught me how to keep my bath towels from smelling like mold.


He STILL hasn’t fixed my sliding closet door which fell off the track, and he said he’d fix it when we started dating two weeks ago.


He asked if he could go with me to my son’s soccer game, cutely, by inquiring if I wanted company…clearly he cares about my role as a mother.


I’m not really sure if he’s ready to date a women with a child. I mean he doesn’t have children himself and, clearly, he doesn’t understand what it involves and how tiring it is to be a single parent.


He also supports the #hilaryforprison hashtag and loves sending crude memes. Oh, and he follows cute baby animals on his instagram feed so, yeah, there’s that.

After spending the last couple of days reading Aziz Ansari’s book, Modern Romance, and an article a friend sent to me about the topic of love and relationships, I realize I am plagued by my own love conundrum (and it’s probably the reason I have been single too long).

First, I have an extremely difficult time saying…look let’s give this a shot, a real shot. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am pretty much a serial dater. I have never really wanted to admit it, but I think it’s partially true at this point in my life. I mean, yes, there are definitely bozos out there, and I am smart to get rid of them, but there have also been a smattering of really great guys over the years that I have kicked to the curb before truly giving them (or myself) a chance to connect. As Ansari says in his book, we judge people on initial impressions without giving ourselves the time that is needed to actually SEE if a connection could even exist. A lot of this is perpetuated by online dating, we see a box on a profile that says something (like he’s a Lakers fan) and then we say – no – I love the Warriors and so we could obviously never be a match. Then we click to the next profile. Realistically though, if we met this same person in real life we may not find out they are a Lakers fan until days or weeks down the road in which time we may already have built a connection with them and then it doesn’t seem like as big of deal that they like the worst basketball team EVER. Online dating teaches our brain to check boxes and in essence “filter,” instantanteously but what we must realize is that people are not boxes – they are people with dynamic personalities, quirks and interests. It is oftentimes all of these things, too, (the personalities, quirks and interests) that are what make a lasting relationship.

Moving on to my next big relationship prob.

I spend a lot of time analyzing how someone is loving me. Is it enough? Are they giving me enough? Are they just using me? How often do they show me they care? I know why I do this. I do this because in my last relationship I finally taught myself to be selfless and I gave of my whole self, I fell in love, and then I got BURNED. So, now I have taught myself to turn that selfless love thing OFF. I don’t fully give of myself, I don’t embark in being LOVING and instead focus on being LOVED and LOVABLE. In the above mentioned article I read, it reminds us that to receive love we have to be loving. For instance, the other night I thought to myself this guy is really not that loving…it pissed me off. But then I decided to try an experiment. I told him I wanted to go to dinner, he never lets me pay, he says ladies don’t pay, and for this reason I knew that INSISTING to pay at dinner would come across to him as an act of loving and caring on my part. After dinner his entire attitude changed, he was more caring toward me, we connected better and we spent the entire rest of the night laughing and being close. I could see his demeanor changed after I picked up the check…he felt an investment on my part and by giving love I had shown him it was OK for him to be vulnerable back.

So, takeaway for today for this new relationship:

Give it a CHANCE.

Be LOVING to receive LOVE.

Btw, he just sent me this text: “you’re my blonde bombshell. I miss your face.” He’s not THAT bad and I like that my bath towels no longer smell like moldy cheese thanks to him.

a whit who’s TRYING to date.



Day 90: Seven Principles to Making a marriage Work and The 30-Day Love Detox (Read Them!)

In Couples, Love, Marriage, Men, Relationships, Romance, Women on July 13, 2013 at 1:34 am


Sometimes we fail to recognize the things we love more than anything until they are no longer present.

When I first got married, I loved under the impression that marriage was supposed to be perfect.  I thought couples never fought and guys always brought home flowers when they did something wrong.  Boy was I wrong.

I recently read a couple good books that clarified this very concerning mishap in understanding the workings of a healthy relationship. If you haven’t read The Seven Principles to Making a Marriage Work then you should.  As I learned, it doesn’t matter if you’re married, divorced, in a complicated state (as we like to call it thanks to facebook), or hopelessly single.  This book is fabulous at helping individuals understand their role within a union and the inevitable role they must play on their own.

The other great self reference book I’d recommend is The 30-Day Love Detox.  If you’re a feminist you’ll find this book especially charming as I did.  However, it also appeals to the more traditional woman; infact, it provides tools to help you determine who you are.  (Unfortunately for me, I am a traditionalist trapped in a career woman’s body which is causing my uterus problems as of late).  This book emphasizes the importance of a “plan” and while I don’t advocate life or love plans as the be-all end-all, I do think they provide some sense of direction when you’re trying to find your identity and re-steer your course.  I really loved this book because it was written by a single mom, and although her own personal professional to dating is shocking in the end, it gives a glimpse at the different aspects of single mothering and such (but that’s for another post). 

While I hate losing things, and I hate even more perusing the “self help” section, which Barnes and Nobles has so eloquently re-named the “Relationship” section, I found these two books insightful and realistic.  Love isn’t a game, or a test, as lots of other books hinge, it’s just being you and weathering the bumps together.

As I was perusing Pinterest I notice an old love letter written by a guy named John, it was a famous John but which one I cannot now recall, he writes:

We got old and got used to each other.  We think alike.  We read each others’ minds.  We know what the other one wants without asking.  Sometimes we irritate each other a little bit.  Maybe sometimes take each other for granted.

But once in awhile, like today, I meditate on it and I realize how lucky I am to share my life with the greatest woman I ever met.  You still fascinate and inspire me.  You influence me for the better.  You’re the onject of my desire the #1 earthly reason for my existence.  I love you very much.

The crowning characteristic of love is loyalty. 

a whit.


HOLSTEE JULY: How I Seized Life Through An Air Freshener

In Holstee Manifesto, Humanity, Laughter, life, Love, Men, Romance, Teaching, wit, Women on August 1, 2012 at 8:14 am

We’ve almost made it through the Manifesto. Sad but true.

Anyway, I was trying to figure out how to fit the following experience into one of the last left proclamations–attempting to create a moment of inspiration. We’ll see how it goes.

This last week my boyfriend stayed at my house (he works away mostly and it seemed better than him renting a hotel for the short duration of him being back in town).  He decided to get me a gift, one to say thank you for putting up with me, my dirty feet, protein powder spillage, and changing my 3 year-old’s diaper blowout.  Mostly though, he wanted to say thank you for letting him use my bathroom for his ‘starbuck’s special’ as he has entitled them.

His gift was very thoughtful given the aforementioned.

He brings in the Target bag, and pulls out whatever else he has purchased, then leaning towards me as he is simultaneously pulling my gift out of the bag too says, “here, I got this for you. I thought about getting you a couple new soap dispensers (since I cracked both of mine in my move) but I forgot to hit that aisle.  Then he proceeds to hand me an AirWick Limited Edition Air Freshener (OK, it was a little fancier but this is funnier).  I was taken aback, I immediately hugged him and thanked him as he set it up over the toilet (I have since moved it to the bedroom now that he is no longer using my loo for his starbuck’s specials).  He was proud, very proud.

I thought long and hard about this gift.  It really was very thoughtful seeing as he uses the toilet 2, sometimes 3 times per day.  In his mind, he really did have my best interest at heart (or he just couldn’t find the soap dispenser aisle).


Seize every moment, whether it’s what you expect or not–just like I did as I was handed a target bag with an aromatic device.  It was really more than an airwick, it was an opportunity for compassion and thoughtfulness.  It’s a smell I cherish now that he’s gone–I love it because it reminds me of a moment, an opportunity, that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

a chicken whit.

Daily Cupcake: Holstee July LOVE.

In Holstee Manifesto, Laughter, life, Love, Men, Romance, Thoughts, Women, Writing on July 15, 2012 at 8:13 am

If you’re looking for the love of your life, STOP. You will find them when you start doing things you LOVE.


Daily Cupcake: Holstee May

In Happiness, Holstee Manifesto, life, Love, Men, Mother, Parenting, Romance, Women on May 14, 2012 at 6:12 am


Today’s proclamation seems very fitting for the occasion, Mother’s Day.  The greatest thing we have the opportunity to create in this life is our children.  As I was reading this post…

Had to drop a quick line and wish everyone, including my Mom (Love you Mom), a happy Mother’s Day (Yes, its Eric again).

You’d think that this Mother’s Day would be the worst yet for Cindy but it hasn’t (and yes, I know I can’t speak for Cindy, but I am going to anyway).  Cindy and I were blessed to spend some special time with Atticus this evening.  These past few days have been very reminiscent of when Atticus was first diagnosed.  We were again told that Atticus was going to die-albeit this time around we have less time.  We again had to fight the emotions and fear that come with that news.  But like before, through all of the fear and sadness, we have been able to have some very special moments with Atticus that we will always remember.  Tonight was one of those nights.

My dad and Cindy’s parents flew home this afternoon, and it was just Cindy, Atticus and I at the hospital.  Atti had been sleeping most of the day, but perked up from about 6:00 to 9:00.  He is such a trooper.  He knows that his body isn’t working right, and he is in pain.  But yet, he still finds a way to make us laugh and still melts our hearts by his sweet little sayings.  Nothing hugely notable happened, but tonight was one of those special moments as a family that we are now, post-diagnosis, acutely aware of.  Its something that I took completely for granted before.  I now recognize how special and amazing the gift of going through life with a family is.

The heart of our family is my wife.  She is a remarkable mother.  She is everything for Atticus and Isaac that I am not and can’t be.  I am amazed by her courage during these last five months.  I am amazed at the way she loves our sweet children.  And most of all, I am amazed by her devotion as a Mother.  Even on Mother’s Day she doesn’t get a “day off.”  She, like all mothers, is always on the clock.  Day or night, vacation or home, she is always “Mommy.”  She’s the first person the kids look to when they are hurt or in pain, or need comfort.  She is the first person they want to see when they get up, and the last they want to kiss at night.

I love you Cindy.  I can’t imagine life without you, and I love you more each day. Thank you for being such a great mother.

I thought about what it means to meet someone you truly love and what emerges when true love exists. It’s sheer beauty, having admiration for someone for the blessing they give your life. In the midst of that admiration, losing yourself, in complete humility.

That’s the type of husband, father I have always wanted.  Reading that just makes me realize how willing I am to wait, however long it takes, til’ I find him.  He’s out there, a guy like that is worth creating something with.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Conversations Among Twenty Somethings: Day 28

In Friends, Love, Men, Romance on June 4, 2011 at 9:42 pm

It’s always a fine line between happiness and despair for a woman approaching her thirties, single.  Happy–she’s free like a breeze floating lazily through the window on a summer day, independent of mens underwear grazing her bedroom floor and  yellow pee-stained toilet rims that never seem to clean themselves.  Despairing in the gifts of–someone to share a Friday evening, and tickle her till she pees her pants while listening to the melodies of Coldplay in the background.  No, a twenty something single woman doesn’t long for a man to put bread on the table, or do her bloody laundry, she of course has those things figured out.  She’s choreographed the inner workings of her life, not by mere chance of course, but because she’s had to in order to survive, so that they play like a fine tuned piano but the ballad isn’t always sweet.  She knows when to unload the dishwasher, feed the dog, vacuum the floors, run the water in the tub for a nice long bath–by herself.  But then again, amidst all of this “figured-out-ness” she converses,

I think I’m done trying to meet you, or get you, or whatever. It’s too much work, and I’m not that crafty. I don’t like all the plotting that seems to be involved in finding you. I talk to you. I smile. I try to look nice. I like baseball, politics and a variety of music that doesn’t suck. I’ve pretended to care about Resident Evil and other video games, I’ve watched stupid movies for you, I’ve overlooked various bad habits (i.e. smoking pot, cigarettes, etc.), and I’ve put myself out there for you despite my own discomfort. But what for?

Suddenly she realizes her mistakes. The tweeking that brings such discomfort.  How did the happy couple in the coffee shop, the one that finishes each others’ sentences, construct themselves.  Do they lie together?  He laughs, staring into her eyes, noses inches apart, quickly kissing her brow.  If this is a lie then it’s the cruelest kind.

What else can I do within reason? Going to church doesn’t work because you are notoriously awkward there and going to bars doesn’t work because the you that’s real isn’t there.

So, she resorts to placing a pink sticky on note on your door with her phone number.  A leap, that’s what she’s told, “you have to take chances.”  She only hopes it was the right door.  She’s also told to smile, but what differentiates a genuine smirk from a lustful one?  And why do you always interpret the later.  So she fumbles, tearing bits of a coffee cup, and looks at her fingers, are they manicured?  They are, in vain, for you. She walks the condiments aisle in the market buying her tenth bottle of ketchup and eleventh of mustard.  You walk by, you’re purchasing some relish because you ran out.  You push along with your cart of frozen corndogs.  She knows how to cook you know, but you didn’t ask her.  Instead she says,

People get dates. It’s one of those things that happens. It just doesn’t happen to me. Maybe I’m supposed to be single right now. Maybe God’s angry with me.  Maybe  the stars are not aligned properly. Maybe I should have thrown the salt over my right shoulder when it spilled out onto the counter instead of brushing it onto the floor. Who the hell knows.

You who found the pink sticky note.  You text elusively as your kind does.  Quick answers, always, long passages of time, sometimes months, before your responses surface.  She converses again,

I think I’m just going to be single for now. They say that you’ll meet somebody when you least expect it. Hopefully that’s true.

(a revised excerpt from the converse of three twenty something singles)

Play the Game or NOT: Day Nineteen

In Articles, Blogging, Dating, Humor, Romance, Sex, Thoughts, wit, Women, Writing on November 17, 2010 at 8:27 pm

Oh, the frustration.  Sometimes I feel like I’m navigating my way through a corn maze, turning this way and that, never reaching an endpoint, an escape.

I can remember being twelve and waiting for the day when I could go out with friends, drive my own car, and go on a real date.  Ha.  Been there done that, and at twenty-six I’m beginning to wonder what fourteen years of dating (with a few intermissions) does to the soul and the brain.

So, I got to thinking, what has changed?  Well, certainly the dating process.    When I was sixteen boys, I emphasize boys, picked me up from my house, in their cars, and met my parents.  Okay–there’s a process, a gentlemanly one, I could do without the adolescent parental meeting but the offer of a pickup would be nice.  I’d probably deny, given my current safety measures, but again it would be gentlemanly.

Then we’d go on the date, probably drive to restaurant or a movie, after which we’d return home.  He’d drop me off.

Huh.  Well, at twenty-six, I’m getting offers for coffee (which I don’t even drink for pleasure) and/ or a cocktail, really?  I’m going to be pretty hungry– but highly caffeinated or a bit intoxicated, that’ll do.

No movies.

No food.

No pickup.

No drop-off.

Um, why am I dating again?  I’ve decided it’s  a political game–the politics of the heart, gender, and mind.

Or maybe it’s all just one big sex conspiracy.  I’ll have to meditate on that one.

a dating whit.

Should I get Divorced?: Day Eighteen

In Articles, Blogging, Blogs, Dating, Education, Esteem, Family, Fiction, Friends, Happiness, Humanity, Laughter, life, literature, Love, Men, Men, Mother, Musings, Parenting, Politics, Romance, Sex, Stories, Thoughts, wit, Women, Work, Writing on November 16, 2010 at 6:51 am

It seems to me that after you experience divorce, that is, become a divorcee, you also become a magnet for those seeking “friendly” relationship advice.  Since my divorce, I have never had so many married friends approach me expressing their own personal marital woes.  Can we say smoke and mirrors?

So, what do you say to these helpless worshippers?  Their eyes pining upwards toward yours, in dismay, you (well I) certainly cannot leave them hanging.

So, I tell them what my mother told me almost four years ago–

“It’s time to evaluate.  There are thirty days in a month and if over half of those thirty days are spent in argument/fighting/retribution, then you seriously need to consider your life.”

So, I did the addition and I recommend it to my pleading friends as well.  If you’re in the negative then…

I guess this doesn’t necessarily mean divorce, it didn’t for me, marriage counseling can always be the next step but most I find have already given that a fair shot.  So, then I move to my next bit of advice.

It isn’t easy (divorce that is).  So, consider wisely.  This isn’t a life and death situation, in any sense of physicality, but it may be with regard to the soul, your soul.  If he doesn’t pick up his dirty underwear, empty the dishwasher, or clean off the toilet seat–you may want to hire a maid and get a good job with long work hours, instead.  No, but seriously, divorce isn’t easy and making that jump will most certainly change you in every way possible, good and bad.  It will also present a little addition to your life.  Something I like to call the “what if factor.”

What if he had been different?

What if I had been different?

What if the timing had been different?

What if that whore from the Nordstrom shoe department had never been working that Wednesday afternoon when my husband, on a whim, decided to go peruse for a new pair of penny loafers?

You’ll always wonder, what might have been?  What dreams might have come AND could things have worked?  This is what you sacrifice when you choose divorce.  You sacrifice ever knowing.  However, consider this, whose to say things wouldn’t have been different anyway because with every circumstance, every change, there comes a differing outcome.  So, maybe the Nordstrom girl wasn’t there that Wednesday, instead, five years later your hubby gets run over by a truck crossing the street–either way, you’re alone with accompanying heartache.  It’s all a matter of relativity and the passage of time, leading you this way and that, all dependent on varying occurences.  I think Robert Frost put it nicely, “And both [roads] that morning equally lay / In leaves no step had trodden black / Yet knowing how way leads on to way / I doubted if I should ever come back.”

So, finally when I have exhausted all the aforementioned then I end with this, “secure your finances before ever mentioning the word divorce.”  Trust me, it’s not being deceitful…it’s being smart.  If you have to, stick it out, until you have what you need to leave.  I’ve encountered many friends, with young children, no assets, no education, their husband(s) owning everything; having reduced them to the life of: housewife.  Just make sure you leave when the time is ripe, oops, I mean right. 😉  It never hurts to get a little legal advice prior.

A good friend from back when I was married emailed me the other day concerning a matter similar to this post’s topic.  I thought it funny, she, after all these years, my divorce from her husband’s friend, had returned to me for some semblance of hope.  My final words to her, “I’ll be praying for you and your little family.”

That’s how my advice column will always end, always.

A divorced whit.

Day Seventeen: “Gender is a Performance:” Play Your Own Part.

In Articles, Blogging, Blogs, English Major, Esteem, Family, Friends, Happiness, Humanity, Laughter, life, literature, Love, Men, Men, Mother, Parenting, Politics, Romance, Sex, Stories, Thoughts, Women, Work, Writing on November 8, 2010 at 10:14 pm

I recently stumbled upon this blog post, which I found to be slightly disturbing but not for the reason you might be inclined to think.

Our society has transitioned into a new wave of discrimination and this time the target seems gender related.  Since the beginning of time, and even currently, differing cultural groups, religious groups, varying ethnicities, have been the product of discriminatory practices but now we’re venturing into a whole new sphere.  I think the important thing to remember is this is nothing new.  As many of you know, my educational background is focused in the area of literature.  Throughout the years I have explored a variety of texts, poetry, fiction, essays, etc, where gender/sexuality issues exist.

Yes, there were homosexuals in the fifteenth century. Big shocker.

However, gender and sexuality, in the past, were presented mostly through allusions, satirical jest, etc.  We’re entering a new era and in this one people are opening up.  Finally, individuals are facing the blatant reality that gender is not so easily defined nor is sexuality.  How wonderful that we are transitioning towards this way of life, writing, living the obvious, the real, why hinder such?

But it’s happening, people are impeding this miraculous feat and, yet again, lives are being lost, ruined, and hurt because of differences.

A professor once said,

“gender is a performance, a fabrication.”

You could think of it like this, each one of us is playing a role in a play, acting the part, being the person that very role assigns.  Unfortunately, life, sexuality, gender, is far more complicated than a role so strictly designated.  Individuals may choose different performances or they may be living a biological performance different from that of yours or mine.  That doesn’t make their performance any less real or vital; however, your assumption or judgment of it may be detrimental to their life. If we continue with the theatrical allegory, the world of theatre, is quite obviously designed and encouraging of creativity, why not then in our own societal structures as well?

Individuals, children, adults, PEOPLE, should be allowed to live their lives. They should be allowed to perform the way they choose and most importantly our children need to know that those choices are okay because inevitably they will grow up and act a part of their own.

The holocaust, the chinese exclusion act, black slavery, native american discrimination, and the list goes on and on.  All of these historical events have one thing in common–injustice.  People being forced into roles they were never meant to inhabit.

So, play your part the way you want to.  Don’t try to perform the role necessarily assigned to you by socially constructed gender terms.  Little Boo played his part (the one he chose) and I think he did a great job of it.


People: Day Thirteen

In Articles, Blogs, Dating, Esteem, Family, Friends, Happiness, Humanity, life, Men, Romance, Stories, Thoughts, Writing on August 16, 2010 at 2:48 am

I’ve come to realize that there are all sorts of people in this world. Sounds kind of silly saying that, but its true. It starts out in high school a time when you think there’s only one character–yourself. Then you graduate and college teaches you all about your friends, the stupid guys you date, and if you’re lucky a few besties. From there you move into the infamous twenty somethings, a genuinely awkward life phase, it’s here where you really begin to experience humanity. You’re no longer limited to those in your age bracket and suddenly “old” people are your friends too. The problem with too many twenty somethings is that they spend their peak physical/mental decade drunk instead of utilizing such to their own advantage. I figure if half the twenty somethings I know actually pay attention for ten years, this involves being present in their own lives then they’d really have it together by the time they hit thirty and the world needs more thirty somethings like this.

I’m proud to say no particular point of my life, be it two years or ten, was or ever will be consumed by drunkiness. So, I’ve stuck to analyzing those around me (something I truly enjoy). There’s the “too nice people” those who will do anything for you almost to the point of neurosis. They mean nothing by it, unless they’re a man, except to possibly prove that kindness does still exist. These are good folks to keep around–but they will eventually get on your nerves. There are the people who use you. They take what they can, deposit nothing, and leave when your supply of whatever runs out. There are the creative artsy-type, which are always fun. The weirdos. The hippies, vegetarians, eco friendlies, you get my point, all sorts. Then you realize despite all these different types, the quirks that accompany them, there is still one thing every individual seeks–each other. This is humanity. We long for companionship, even if its not too serious, because we believe doing things in pairs is better; however, our world has really wounded such a notion. It’s too fast, too technical, too removed. Now we have to strive for this.

As I was riding my bike today I noticed something strange. With each passerby came a hello, good day, how are you doing. I thought about the countless intersections of my life (both literal and figurative). I’ve never been at a stoplight, rolled down my window, said hi, then kept on driving. Nor have I seen this type of behavior in my many life transitions (most certainly not from complete strangers). There is something about bike riding which invokes a more natural, instinctive congeniality. I was impressed and for a moment felt as though the days of Pride and Prejudice had resumed. I could imagine Jane, jaunting down the dirt road, waving with a twist of her wrist to the gentlemen passerby. They would meet several days later on another jaunt, share some sweet words, and eventually wed. This idea must be why people love Jane Austen so wholeheartedly. Connecting with others teaches about others. It also gives us that each other thing. This isn’t a text message, or an email, it takes more effort than that. Sadly, that effort might just be a few words–a few words! Today I wasn’t any happier than yesterday, but I did learn something new, and reflecting on that does make me feel good. Take a bikeride, a stroll, transport yourself to another time–slow down. Say hello to a stranger as it may provide an opportunity to learn about someone new, remember there are all sorts of people and getting to know them is what life is about.




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