Posts Tagged ‘Dreams’

Day 105: Dreams

In Dreams on March 13, 2014 at 2:17 am

It has been a long time since I have written anything on this blog because, to be honest, I haven’t known what to write. Not because things haven’t been happening to me–they have. It’s been more a matter of fear, fear that my words written on here might somehow change my dreams.

Today I realized fear cannot govern this blog, and so here I sit ready to write again.

I’ve been thinking a lot about dreams lately and, coincidentally, so was this person. In fact, everyday when I need an uplifting moment I turn to this blog and just the right words appear on my screen. A small miracle for me.

Opposite to her, I never dreamed of being solely a mother. I knew I wanted to be a mom, but I knew I also wanted a career. Sometimes our long hoped for dreams get away from us and we realize the ones that replace them are “better” for us. When I think of all the things I do well in my life, I can’t think of one job I’ve done better than being a mom. This was never a painstakingly imagined dream that I scoured over everyday of my young adult life, being a mom, but it’s one I’ve come to know I needed just as much as it needed me. It’s a dream better than any of those that I had envisioned; ones of me working in a suit and bossing a bunch of professional men around. In fact, I’ve actually come to see that dream for an inkling, the business women one, and it wasn’t as great, as fulfilling as I’d imagined it.

Today, I realized, it’s that dream I had to be a high-powered woman–that’s the dream that has hurt me the most. It has punched me in the stomach as I’ve failed at it, it has told me I’m not good enough, it has even brought me to knees crying. Though, it’s the other dream, the one that hid in the back of my mind, that dream has brought me such delight, it has brought me to tears in happiness, it given me strength on my weakest days, it has whispered to me so many times “you are enough.” It has never brought me wealth or power, but it has taught me the greatness of sacrifice and selfless devotion.

I’m reading Meaty by Samantha Irby, in a book that seems so “dirty” and, to be honest, crude at times, there is so much honesty. This honesty is about dreams too. In one essay Irby gets really real, she talks about raising her daughter–her very own mother. Behind the sarcasm flows the dreams, the dream of owning a telephone so she wouldn’t have to walk down the street to the fire station when her ‘daughter’s’ legs quit working, the dream of being able to take real Oreos to a school party instead of the off-brand Hydrox ones, the dream of knowing sooner that if she looked clean and got her homework done then she could keep living the dream of raising her ‘daughter’ and no one would ask questions. She talks about realities too though, in fact that’s where her essay ends, seeing her ‘daughter’ without her dentures lying on her deathbed. Her entire life her ‘daughter’ had only taken those dentures out in some late night escapades where she’d gather her cane and  pretend to be a witch. But here, on her deathbed, Samantha saw the truth–she really looked more like a [sweet] baby.

It’s true that dreams can be as big as having a high-powered career and finishing a master’s degree and as small as buying name brand Oreos for a party. The truth is though, no matter how big or small dreams are sometimes they just aren’t reality. And sometimes, reality is better than the biggest dream.

Day 96 {after a brief pause}: On pushing and pulling…

In Uncategorized on September 3, 2013 at 8:24 pm

Nyad’s swim is an amazing feat although I have to say her post interview is just as remarkable. As she speaks, her mouth and tongue swollen with severe redness, she explains to the reporter her motto, “there is only one thing–FIND A WAY.”

Life is full of so many challenges, some we undertake willingly like Nyad’s swim, others are forced upon us. In the end though, there is only one thing we can do to overcome them. Nyad goes on to explain how she found a way, “I decided with each stroke I would push back Florida and I’d pull toward Cuba.” For 55 hours, Nyad told herself over and over, “push back Florida, pull toward Cuba, push back Florida, pull toward Cuba…” Then she goes on,

“You’re 64, your mom just dies and then all of sudden you realize you had this childhood dream that you never made happen. You just do it no matter how many attempts it takes.”

Although Nyad’s motto consists of only three small words, they are powerful words. Push back the past ms. whit and pull toward the future because you must find a way.

Day 87: What Emilie Parker Taught Me.

In Blogs, Children, Education, Kids, life on March 27, 2013 at 5:39 am

Yesterday I decided to have a pity party for myself.  Thankfully it only took me a restful night sleep to snap out of it. 

This evening I noticed an interview on CBS with Emilie Parker’s parents, a little victim of the Sandy Hook Tragedy, the news anchor mentioned that Alissa, Emilie’s Mother, had started a public blog.  I quickly searched it, found it, and began to read her archives but it was one posting in particular that really touched me, “An Unexpected Letter.” In it she writes of a charcoal drawing of Emilie she received only days after the shooting.  The drawing was accompanied by a letter,

I was immediately impressed with the drawing and was convinced it must have been drawn by a seasoned artist.  To my surprise, it was drawn by an amazing seventeen year old girl who wrote us one of the most touching letters.  In it she said, “Your daughter touched one more life….my own.  At the time of all this occurring I was pleading with God to give me a sign on which path to take with my life, to be an artist, a path that was unsure and I feared, or to peruse a more generic career, that may not mean happiness.  This is the sign I was asking for.  I realized my passion is for art, it is what I was meant to do.  Next year I am attending…….State University and I’m going to major in Art.  I will always remember that little girl whom inspired me to follow my dreams, that beautiful girl named Emilie Parker.”

Alissa goes on to share the dreams she had envisioned for Emilie–she remembers practicing her sight words nightly and making sure she could read every book her teacher sent home.  In the end, though, Alissa realizes it’s not the memory of which sight words Emilie could or couldn’t remember or which reading level she had advanced to…

After loosing Emilie, it is strange how I value all these moments so differently now.  I don’t care nor do I remember which sight words she had down, but I remember how much we laughed and cheered together while we practiced them.  I don’t remember what reading level she had achieved, but I do remember snuggling up with her on the couch and watching the excitement of a whole new world being discovered through her eyes in the story she was reading.   At meal times, she didn’t always eat her vegetables and she could never seem to stay in her seat….but there was never dull moment as Emilie would tell us story after story and we would all laughed together as a family.  I look back and have no regrets about Emilie’s life with us.  It wasn’t about being perfect or always doing the right thing; it was about experiencing and loving life together as a family.

She goes on to reveal her hopes that her daughters fulfill their passions in life–that they choose a path that will make them happy most of all.  She marks that she hopes she can make her daughter proud with the life she chooses to go on living.

Much of my bad day centered around my disappointment and uncertainty in my choices.  Wondering how I will make a career out of the education I have pursued.  This post gave me a new perspective, though, that is, we only have one life to touch our dreams and make others proud. We just have to follow the possibility, take the risk, and remember what counts is the experience and memories we sketch along the way.

a whit.

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