I’ll admit that as of late this blog hasn’t been very, well, witiful. However, that doesn’t mean my life of has been absent of such, oh no no no.
I haven’t spoken much about dating on this blog…it’s been more dedicated to a personal journey of sorts but I’ve realized now that dating IS a part of this crazy ride that is my life. Speaking of crazy…
I’ve been online dating for quite some time now and I have shared in many fabulous occasions with the cream of the crop wackos. For real. There was the Disney fanatic and his Mickey Mouse watch familial indoctrination (we’ll save this story for a posting all of its own), the law student obsessed with murder documentaries (not so cool to mention on a first date), the Indian traveling doctor (who also liked to tell stories about successfully removing lodged tampons from women during his gyno rotation) he is now featured on NPR, the Disney follow-up fellow (as I like to call him), and then the most recent (which I will feature in this post) the Jesus fanatic.
JF (short for Jesus Freak): “I really love Jesus!”
Me: “That’s great. He really is such a wonderful and powerful thing.” Notice my attempt to lead the conversation in an appropriate and normal direction. JF had an alternate route. Surprisingly, he was really eager to share this account:
JF: “No, I mean I am in love with him. Jesus is my lover. I just want to sit on his lap and kiss his face and tickle him. I want Jesus to tickle me. I just want to laugh and tickle Jesus for the rest of my life. That’s all I want to do.”
Interjection, this guy seemed completely normal the entire conversation, until we got to this point, then all hell broke loose. The following story emerged…
JF: “I was working for my church as a security guard when one night a cop asked to see my badge. I told him no, so he took me in and I was charged with a misdemeanor…I was just arraigned last week (surfer laugh). I used to be in the military but I got a dishonorable discharge–for some reason I don’t like authority. I am unemployed and looking for work but Jesus hasn’t got me a job–yet. I had this really great legal job opportunity [Me: I’m thinking in my head–this actually might be the smartest thing you’ve said in the last ten minutes] and it was $10 an hour [Me: nevermind], which I think is a lot of money, but they didn’t call me back. Jesus didn’t get me that job. I just laugh all day, and I know Jesus will find me a job in the meantime.”
I don’t know if I let the conversation continue for as long as it did due to the sheer comedy of the situation or shock–I think it was a little of both. That said, Jesus Freak is doing his heavenly thing without as much as a first date from me. You gotta be kidding me! Anyone who wants to tickle Jesus is going to have to do that on their own.
I was watching SATC (Sex and the City) tonight and it’s the episode where Carrie breaks up with Big. I’ve adapted the introductory commentary especially for this post: “I was it. I was the magic moment…the abracadabra. I’ve got more poof in one finger than he could ever have! I pity him because I get to walk away and be me and he has to walk away and stay him…and who wants to be him. I’m going to end up deliriously happy and [Jesus Freak] is going to end up old and alone [tickling Jesus].”